The Things We Regret
by Arquellania
Summary: So you really want to know? The whole dirty truth is right here. Multi-shot fic. Each chapter is from one character's point of view.
1. Beautiful

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 1 – Beautiful**

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**Summary:** Serena van der Woodsen isn't always herself. And she's not too beautiful when she isn't.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl. But I will, I tell you! MUAHAHAHAHA! *cough*

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So you really want to know? I'll tell you the whole dirty truth. It won't be easy, but it won't be hard, either.

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Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder why people say I'm beautiful.

Actually, I do it all the time.

Every blonde-haired, blue eyed person is declared beautiful. It was like that during World War II. Hitler saw it that way. Nate, Jenny, and I? We would have been the beautiful ones. Chuck, Blair, Vanessa, and Dan? They would have been the undesirables, the untouchables. The ones with dirty blood. They were the ones to be considered better off dead.

I am not beautiful. I am a monster.

Being beautiful requires so much more than blonde hair or blue eyes. I've done too many things, made so many mistakes. I can't change who I've already become. The person that I've already been molded into isn't going away. That person is ugly. I shudder when I look at her in the mirror. She's waiting to take over, waiting to find Serena's vulnerability. It may be when I meet someone new. It may be when I try to seek revenge.

She drinks, she parties, and she sleeps around. She's still there, waiting. And although I have not been her for a long while, every person has a moment of weakness. She's on the prowl for that weakness. One day she'll find it, and I'll be her once more. Maybe for a day, a week, a month. I'm not really sure. I would blame it on the fact that I've grown up around temptations, but I think this is how I was meant to be. I'm meant to be a reckless person. I'm meant to be a horrible friend to Blair. The people I know deserve so much more from me, but the Serena I want to be doesn't know how to show that.

One day I'll be able to overcome her. I don't know when that day is, but I'll be strong enough that day. I'll be strong enough to come through as Serena van der Woodsen, the girl who's done battling her demons. I can't wait to be that Serena.

But until I become her, I'll smile through the bad days, and try to be happy with what I have. For better or for worse, Serena is going to make her comeback. And soon.

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**Author's Note:** Well, here's the first part of this story. There's only seven parts, and they are in no relation to one another. They are each from a specific character's point of view. Next up is Dan. Just so you know, Blair and Chuck are coming at the very end. I know I'm mean. XD

Reviews, please! I will love you for it. Thanks, Cass


	2. Brooklyn Boy

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 2 – Brooklyn Boy**

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**Summary:** Dan Humphrey knows people call him names. What he knows even better is that they tell the truth.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl. It's kind of depressing.

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So you really want to know? I'll tell you. It's not the most interesting story, but it should make for an interesting ride.

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I'm only classified as the Brooklyn Boy. They'll say it until the end of time. They'll write it in the obituary.

The point of me going to Saint Jude's was for me to branch out. I mean, there are schools in Brooklyn. Good ones, I guess. But it was my idea to go to Saint Jude's. And I really didn't make use of it.

I'm still the same old boring writer. I'm still the same person who judges the Upper East Side. I had four years of high school to change it, and I didn't.

That's why I'm Brooklyn Boy. I'll always be Brooklyn Boy.

They say I'm a loner. Lonely Boy, more specifically. That's partially true. I have Vanessa, but anyone from Brooklyn isn't acknowledged by anyone in the Upper East Side. People think I like being lonely. That's far from the truth. So just eliminate the possibility from your mind.

Being lonely could be caused by a number of things. I always said I didn't care if people didn't look at me. The fact of the matter was, I always cared. I always tried to get people to look, but they were never interested.

I just drove people away. And I'm angry at myself for that. The smartest people do the dumbest things, I suppose.

People say I'm too judgmental. I know I am. Do I try to fix it? No. That drives more people away. It even drove away Serena at some point, which is my biggest regret thus far. She knows I love her, but I can't help but be myself. Some people can't accept me. She did for as long as she could.

I think there's a saying: "If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with." I'll hold on to the hope that she'll come back. Deep down, I know she will.

So I'll end high school with a reputation of being a loner. Do I care? Hell yeah. Will I tell people that I care? Hell no.

Because Brooklyn Boy has a lot of things to say, but he'll never say them. They might be profound, or just downright stupid. But he wants to say them. The Upper East Side has just taped his mouth shut.

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**Author's Note: **I decided to make Dan respond to people's visions of him, because Lord knows he just loves to make commentary on everything. XD

Next up is Jenny, who is not everyone's favorite, but is important all the same.

Review, please! Thanks, Cass


	3. Selfish

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 3 – Selfish**

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**Summary:** Jenny learns that everything that's happened to her is just ironic.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl. *whistles* Can I steal it?

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So you really want to know? I could sum it up for you in a few sad sentences.

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In between what you would say was my transformation, I thought about things. I thought about what it would do to me. I thought about what it would do to my family. The consequences flashed through my mind. I struggled with my decision.

But I just dove in. Why? Because I'm selfish. I'm a spoiled brat. Either way you spin it, I was in the wrong. I knew it then and I know it now.

I was so selfish all this time. People wanted to help me through the rough patches and I didn't let them.

And it was only because I want everything all for myself. I wanted the fame, the fortune. I wanted to be seen as an Upper East Sider even though at heart I was a Brooklynite.

There's an important lesson you learn as you get older: the world doesn't revolve around you.

I hadn't learned that lesson until things came crashing down. I should have. This all could have been avoided.

I wanted people to see me, to want me, I guess.

But I screwed up all the important things for the temporary attention. I severed ties with the people most important to me.

And this is why I'm alone.

It's just the irony of wanting everything and ending up with nothing.

You could say I have learned my lesson. You'd be wrong. Because mistakes are my game. I keep on thinking someone's outstretched hand will come and save me. But one day will come where I am alone and no one will feel sorry.

Do you think I let this get me down? You'd think a person with a decent head on her shoulders would. But it's not like that for me. I want what I want, and I'll do anything to get it.

Call me crazy, but the day I do get what I want, I'll stop. I just don't know when that day is, or if it'll ever come.

I hope it does. Because until then, I'll never be sweet Jenny Humphrey. I'll be Blair's minion, or Jenny the fashion designer, or Jenny with the black eyeliner. My personality can change in a second if I want it to. Maybe it's manipulation. But if I can get to my goal, I really don't care if it is.

I want to be myself. I really do. I just don't know who that is anymore.

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**Author's Note:** Well, here's Little J's. I really had to analyze her to get this out, but I have to say, I really like this one. I'd love to know what you guys think.

Vanessa is up next. I know she isn't liked much, but I like her. So she's going in. XD

Review, please! I'll give you cookies. I promise. Thanks, Cass


	4. Conditions

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 4 – Conditions**

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**Summary:** Vanessa learns that some conditions don't make things easier.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl. That makes me sad.

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So you really want to know? I'll tell you, but keep it a secret…Wait, forget it. Tell everyone. I want them to know.

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There are some sad things in life that you really wish you could fix. Me? Well, I haven't exactly "bloomed" yet. Let me explain.

I never really experienced love for what it really is. There was Dan, sure, but it wasn't mutual. It wasn't long. It meant nothing. Love is something unconditional. But everything I ask for comes with conditions.

I'm not the spontaneous type. I don't like surprises because they usually backfire on me. Call me pessimistic, but that's just the way I am. Take it or leave it.

I wish love had come my way. Or, more specifically, I had let it in. I had that chance with Nate or maybe the random guy on the subway I wanted to approach but never had the courage to. I wish I would have loved. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right? Or something like that.

Maybe I should stop asking for conditions. Maybe it'll be easier that way.

I can try, but it might come to no use. I am who I am, and I have no problems expressing it. Other people may think that I'm a freakshow, but I'm proud of who I've become. I just wish that people could actually look at Vanessa Abrams and say, "She seems cool. I want to get to know her," or maybe, "I want to be her friend." Something like that.

I want to be seen as more than where I'm from, you know? Maybe it's not that that turns people off. Maybe it's just me.

You might as well sign a contract when you meet me. If you step on a toe, I'll probably never trust you again. That's how people feel my wrath. That's how people begin to dislike me.

I can seek revenge in the most secretive way, and then blame it on someone else. I like looking like the innocent one. I don't know if it ups my self-esteem, but it makes me feel better to know someone else is suffering the consequences instead of me.

I've done this to everyone. And somehow, I wonder why people don't like me. It makes so much sense now.

Am I just making my situation worse? I can never know. What I do know is that it's worth trying to be spontaneous. Maybe I'll like it.

Maybe I'll call up Nate tonight. Just maybe.

I'll see what the world brings for me. All I know is that is going to be interesting.

And for right now, that's just fine.

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**Author's Note:** Since I haven't encountered many people who actually like Vanessa, I just decided to put everyone's little ticks about her in here. I hope I made a bit of sense of it, though I don't like this part that much. XD

Next up is Nate and his manwhorish ways. This should be fun.

Review! Cupcakes for you if you do! Thanks, Cass


	5. Faithful

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 5 – Faithful**

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**Summary:** Nate apologizes for being a very bad boy.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl. I'm really tired of typing this, you know! XD

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So you really want to know? I guess I could tell you. It's a pretty confusing story.

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So, I could tell you a million things, but they're probably worth nothing.

I'm Nate Archibald. There, I'll start it off with a solid fact.

But then it gets complicated. I can elaborate.

Along the line, I became a poser. With Blair, with Serena, with Chuck, and with Vanessa. Lies pile up. They pile up until they're destined to hurt the people you care about.

I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to be a poser.

I would like to blame it on my family. I could. But I could have said no to all of their demands.

I should have been truthful. Faithful, I guess.

But I wasn't. And that's how I ended up here.

I could apologize a million times, but people won't believe me.

The truth is, my apologies never meant anything until now.

I keep on making the same mistakes because I'm trying to find someone who's going to put up with all my crap, paste on a fake smile, and try to be happy when they obviously aren't.

But no one's buying the façade anymore. I'm tired of putting one up.

What's more fake than how I've been acting is the Vanderbilt ring I've been carrying around. I offer it up whenever I'm in trouble. It's the easy way to solve my problems.

Well, I could talk to people in order to solve my problems, but I usually can never find the words to explain my actions. Sure, I know I do stupid things. I try not to, but when things get rough, the stupid things seem much easier than the ones that make sense.

And that's why people think I'm an idiot. It's because I do stupid things. I'm smart enough to distinguish the difference between sensible and idiotic, but I don't really care which is which. The easy route out is the one I take.

Maybe the hard things are enjoyable; I've never experienced it myself. I'll try to keep the ring until I find that girl that is willing to put up with my crap. I actually have someone in mind. I should call her today.

This is the making of Nate Archibald. This is why he is so complicated.

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**Author's Note:** While almost everyone agrees that Nate is a big manwhore this season, I really want to write why he is. And well, I'm not sure how it turned out. I'd really like to know what you think!

Next up is Chuck, who I hope is going to be amazing because I love him. XD

Review! I will probably bow down to you if you do. Metaphorically, of course. Because I'm not in front of you. Thanks, Cass


	6. Monster

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 6 – Monster**

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**Summary:** Chuck tries to find the difference between being who he is and who he wants to be.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Gossip Girl. It's starting to drive me insane. :P

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So you want to know? I didn't think anyone would give a damn.

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I don't really understand why I was never a likeable person. In fact, I never understood why I didn't like people.

Somewhere along the line, I became a terrible person, a monster in my dad's eyes. I don't know when it happened. Birth, maybe.

But I don't like to think of it that way. It sounds like I was destined to be this fucked up person. But I didn't mean to be.

I don't want to be. But things just happen. And every person I try to help, they end up more fucked up than I am.

It's not like I'm a loner. That's far from the truth. I have plenty of friends. I just don't know how they put up with me. I'm just waiting for them to realize I'm not good enough for them. I know they will. It always happens. People leave.

I'm not too happy all of the time, I know. But I have reasons behind it.

I've never had a mother to straighten me out. That's how everyone around me learned "how to be good." There are a million things I learned too late, and a million things I learned too much about.

Like sex, for example. Losing my virginity in the sixth grade might not have been the smartest idea to some people, but it got me somewhere. People know who I am now because they see me as a womanizer. I was proud as hell about it before, but now, I'm not so sure.

There's this girl. I think you know her. Blair Waldorf. She's got this idea about me and her that doesn't exactly fit with who I've been all these years.

I want to change for her, but I have no idea how to do it.

I just think it's a matter of time before I fuck everything up with Blair too.

You could say I have low self-esteem. I don't give a damn what you think. I'm probably going to hell. I don't really care about that either.

You could say I need a psychologist. I probably do. But I can talk to Blair for that. She's smart enough to figure me out.

In fact, maybe we'll last. Contrary to popular belief, I care about her. A lot. You mess with her, and I'll probably send a hit man to follow your trail.

I'll change a million things about myself for her. Hell, I even listen when she talks to me.

You could say I'm a psycho. I'm only Chuck Bass.

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**Author's Note:** Chuckles! He sounds very angry in this, I know. XD

But I love it all the same. I'd love to hear people's views on it.

Last but not least is Blair! I'm so excited to finally get to her.

Review! I would love you if you did. Thanks, Cass


	7. Fairytale

**The Things We Regret**

**Part 7 – Fairytale**

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**Summary:** Blair explains her reasoning behind "the game", and how she's finally found her true happy ending.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl; hopefully, I will.

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So you really want to know? Fine, I'll tell you. But I'll destroy you if this gets out.

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Fairytales stay in books. They are unrecognizable to the world; I've never seen one, nor experienced one.

Even though I tried so hard to get my happily ever after, it never worked out for me. I was left unhappy and unsatisfied, two things that I hated to be.

I tried so desperately to have a fairytale with Nate. The white picket fences were embedded deep in my mind, reserved for a daydream whenever I needed a pick-me-up. But when I realized that the fairytale would never come true, I resorted to believing that it would someday.

When he completely rejected me, I realized that fairytales don't happen. Life happens. And life is not always going to be happy. It was a nightmare to get up in the morning for a while, but I noticed something was different. My heart was shifting. Someone else had swept me off my feet. I would never admit it to myself, but I was slowly falling in love with Chuck Bass.

He was my best friend. He wasn't anything like a fairytale character; he wasn't the Prince Charming I had been looking for since I was five. And he was colder than anyone I had ever known; his eyes could turn into ice after laughing with him five minutes before. So I decided that I would avoid the Devil until he realized what I wanted.

But he already knew. And he wasn't having it.

I wanted things to work. I wanted us to be happy, but I couldn't get past the fairytale dreams.

He gave me a wakeup call when he gave up one night. He said he had chased me for too long. It slowly sunk it that he was tired of my dreams. He was tired of trying to live up to this person that truthfully never existed. And if there was one person who hated putting up a façade, it was Chuck.

So I retracted my claws and began to look past what I wanted for myself and slowly looked at what he wanted for me, what he wanted for _us._ It was better than any fairytale.

So fairytales only belong in my dreams for now. I realized that what I had was definitely better than a fairytale. When we finally say we love each other, I know we'll mean it.

Because I love him and he loves me. That's all that matters.

I learned all of this the hard way.

Looking for happily ever after and not finding it is the most horrible feeling.

I wanted a fairytale ending, but I realized I couldn't have one. They will forever live among the pages of the books I used to read under the covers at night.

My attempts at a fairytale ended disastrously.

Being broken-hearted is not fun. It is not enjoyable. It is what we all experience at least once. I've experienced it multiple times.

Sometimes when no one's looking I wish on a star for that fairytale ending.

I'm still waiting for that wish to come true. It's a work in progress.

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**Author's Note:** The end is not near, it's here. Forgive me, I've been watching The O.C….Well, writing this story was amazing, and I loved the different direction it took from a regular fanfiction. I loved actually analyzing the characters and getting inside their heads.

My next fic is a twoshot. The title is **The Inner Workings of Butterflies**.

It's about Chuck and Blair, obviously. :D

Here's a preview of the first part, **What We Are**:

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_We are the couple that fights more than catty girls do._

_--_

"_I'm tired of this, Chuck." Blair sighs as her tears fall._

"_You have to understand that I'm not your dog. I'm not always going to do what you please."_

"_I'm trying hard…I can't do this anymore." Blair's voice is weak._

"_Then you can get out."_

_--_

Review! I'd love to see what you thought of the ending (and of the preview).


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